some things just aren’t right

Was about to put something’s just not right but as I recollect my thoughts, it’s not a mere thing. There’s a lot of things that don’t fit well in this whole smorgasbord of my state of being. This is one of the few times I wish nobody will read this right away. I know I could have written this in some journal but I feel I have to re-read myself again sometime in the future.

I still have 7 chapters to read for an exam an Wednesday. 7 of the earlier chapter I’ve read already but I haven’t comprehended much. I should still be working at the office or should have at least joined them for their lunch. Should have accepted coffee invite. Should be writing of the last 3 great weekends I had. But then I realized that the best way to cope with this is to be alone. Wallow a little. Write something. Ang think. Think!  Perhaps I haven’t been really thinking, deep thinking, lately. I just let moments pass me by without sacred considerations of the whole picture. I let my spontaneity suck the planning side of me that I so try to build.I haven’t been thinking much that’s why I’m where exactly I am right now: a state where people who don’t think end up.

I wanna cry! I know you put it in a so subtle way but I felt like I was the most ‘bobo’ person in that room. I should have reacted. I should have explained. I should have defended where I was coming but now I tG I didn’t. Silence. It was may best arm. I wish I’ll find the peace to do the things I have to do not to impress you or prove you wrong but because I just do them, even regardless if I like doing them or not.  For now I just want to cry.

Tomorrow I know I’d still put up a happy face. We’d still exchange hi’s and hello’s and you’ll never know how painful tonight was.  I hope someday I’d figure out how this is a simple blessing in disguise. I hope!

I wish I could time travel and see the point. I wish!

falling apart

I was told I was falling apart. Maybe I am. I can’t even compose myself to write something about what I feel. I am really falling apart, and tired, and falling apart. To you who gave me a better grasp of something that is already obvious, well thank you. Reality bites and today is National Painkillers Day!

shuffle

I just feel like writing my heart out. I don’t where to start so I put my player on shuffle mode.

Look After You. The Fray. One of those tearjerker songs. The message isn’t really sad but there is something about the rhythm that moves you. Rhythm! Maybe biorhythm can explain why I feel so sad this week. 

Afraid for Love to Fade.  Lea Salonga. Gawd! I wanna be inspired. It has been a long time since I had that swooning, crazy, lovey feeling. Maybe that explains why I’m bored. Day in, day out, I feel like I’m just part of the statistics. 

You and Me.  Life house. Haaay! I’ll stop this. This is the borderline of my being pathetic.

***

I wanna be anywhere else but where I am. I need company. Silence company. I just want someone to be there and accompany me as I cry without explanation. 

Last song to ponder on. Next: With a Smile. Eraserheads. Haay! I hope I’ll get by with a smile. I hope although it sounds funny, somebody will say it anyway.  Can you never be really too happy in this life? 

home

I went to school earlier and saw the Fair. I suddenly got excited. Instead of me feeling old, I felt young. I suddenly remembered the times I was in LB. Why did I stop missing LB? Was it because of QLC? Was it because of that discovery? Was it because of separation issues with friends who remind me of my best times in LB? 

LB used to be my heaven on earth. I said, if indeed your heaven will be your best place on earth, I think when I die, I’d be at Los Banos. But in recent years I just remember the bad times. I’ve forgotten about the oh-so-good times. Shame on me! I feel sorry, really sorry, to my best friends I met at the school that I let the bad time overpower the good ones.

Here are the things I miss: Walkathon therapy sessions * Lunchdates at Indios na laging late ang mga kasama ko * Moccachino / IC’s Frap or just plain 3-in-1 coffee sessions with friends * Uber-high tolerance for alcohol * Gotohan after inuman * St Therese Chapel * Cramming * self-declared holidays * surprise birthday parties * Chismisan hanggang Umaga yet too lazy to attend 7am classes * Amuyongs * H6 * Palaisdaan * Body Mtngs *  GAs  *Household meetings * CSC Sessions * Frat-Soro joint activities * Love Notes * DLS Logbook *Thursday gimiks * Chikahan challenge * Thesis kwitis * Klepto days * TAMBAYAN! * CrayonBox * My fave Ilag’s yosi spot * CEMplangan * Sugal small time * FEBFAIR! * fortuitious events (haha) * college crushes * prof crushes * moments

UPLB used to be home. Home used to be a place. Now home is all the best people I met through UPLB! 

what are the odds?

I just can’t believe I let myself lose 3k on one casino night! I spent 8k on retail therapy the other day just because I think I needed to do it because I missed 2010 compre. Gawd! Gusto ko lang sabihin dito kasi ayoko maging TMI sa facebook! Haay! I should reconsider my spending habits! Haay! Nakaka-depressed! I need another retail therapy tomorrow! : (

Focus on the goal, Emcee!