poof!

After a month of constipated thoughts, here I am on the 1st few hours of the month writing my heart out. After nearly-three bottles of beer, while drinking my nth cup of coffee, smoking my God-knows-what’th cigarette, here I am, should be sleeping and the last thing I should be doing is checking what I might have missed at work, in front of my laptop, checking office emails from time to time. I feel like I had so many things to say…

Summer seems to be officially over. Woke up today literally wanting to cry because it’s raining again. It breaks my heart that it’s raining, for 3 reasons: 1) I have a particular prayer in which I asked that rain be a sign. The rain sign was supposed to be positive but I just don’t want to believe that after I asked for that sign, it’s practically raining everyday. I should be happy right? But it freaks the hell out of me everytime the rain pours. 2) I’m a summer person and see, summer lasting only for a few weeks is so depressing. I’m so missing summer sunshine. There’s just not much you can do when it rains. 3) wala akong payong! For now, the only good thing that rain brings is that it’s not that warm when you sleep and your Meralco bill is not too high. Haay! I haven’t reached my melanin level quota yet.

My summer weekends are literally fully booked from the first summer  weekend of our term break until the reg period with only 1 weekend to allow myself to go to Batangas to remind my family that they still have a daughter/ate. hehe. I’ll only be visiting home on the weekend of my dad’s birthday/ Mother’s day and Angela’s birthday. Though, at least I call them almost eveyday. I think I have somehow lead on Angela that I’ll be coming on her actual birthday so I’ll see if I can work that out. Good thing my family is very understanding of my lifestyle.

Anyway, this weekend, I was set to go to Baler with MBA peeps but earlier we were back and forth with our plans. I just wanted to go even if there’s typhoon. Mamamatay kung mamamatay! But then travels are just never complete without party poopers. So we decided to cancel only to find out that in the end we will push through. Now, our hotel booking is cancelled so we have no choice but change places. We are goiong to Baguio instead. Honestly, I don’t know the certainty in those plans. Only 12 hours of waiting can tell. Haaay! Had mother nature been more cooperative, others wouldn’t have second thoughts on Baler. Sayang ang rashguard ko! I so badly want to surf!

Going back to what drove me to this outpour.  I was with 3 brods earlier. One with someone I haven’t seen for a long time, one with one of my constant companion and one with someone I thought I’d never be friends again with. I’m just so amazed how we chit-chated about our version of “how to break the he’s-just-not-that-into-you” model. Perhaps one of the best conversations this month. After a long day’s work. it’s good to discuss about these things without any mentioning of career or anything that crawls around it in 2 miles proximity. Well, among us, my views are more of the guy’s standards and their’s, the girls’.

What are my views anyway? Well, in college I said I didn’t want marriage, I just wanted kids. Then it evolved into wanting marriage but not kids. Bottomline, it’s an either-or option. A trade-off simply put. But lately I’ve come into thinking that I may probably not want marriage at all. Just the wedding. Just the rite of passage of a normal adult in our society. Am I built to keep a realtionship that can last a lifetime? I don’t know. Honestly! And perhaps I think of marriage so highly that if I’d fail on it anyway somewhere along the way, I’d rather not have it at all. Do I want kids? I don’t know either but probably not. Can I quit smoking and drinking alcohol for 9 months? Oh gawd, don’t ask me? Sounds selfish? Probably yes but that’s just me thinking aloud. I know I can quit smoking and alcohol but I want it done on my own terms.

It’s been 5 years since college graduation. Then, I thought after college I was all made up but being made up is too lengthy a discussion to get into. 5 years is so fast that I felt like I just had a quasi comatose slumber after graduation. In those 5 years, so many friends have come and gone. So many transitions. Good times! Bad times! Many to-do list checked as done. So many travels yet I still feel bored and incomplete. A friend said if my pictures would be the basis of how fun my life is, I shouldn’t be worrying. But sometimes I ask myself: why all these travels and meet-ups with several circles of friends? Maybe that’s as good as life can get for me. Unlike the others who are just so made-up they don’t need these things to condition themselves of the elusive happiness in life.

Patience is the time it takes for something to happen. Maybe I’m still waiting for the elusive and proverbial happy happening. Or maybe I’m just a caffeine-overloaded, summer-deprived, walking nicotine. Yeah! Let’s just say that’s just it.

Happy May to my loved ones! Flores de Mayo na. (note to self: I should change my signs from rains to flowers..hehe)