dear emcee

Dear Emcee,

Last week, when you had your Leadership Experiential Workshop, you seemed to be enjoying yourself. You learned more about your fellow officers, your boss and most of all yourself. Prior to the event you said you were up for drinking the nights there away and you didn’t know why people have to rest for some activities that wouldn’t have winners anyway. And had there been winners, what’s in there for them?, so you said. However, in each of the activities, I saw the cut-throat competitive Emcee. You simply aren’t the type of someone giving up. I saw the look in your face when in each of the activities you were really into them.

I saw that in the Pole Jump activity where you volunteered to go first, there was pressure because the facilitator Kerry said that as the first to climb up, you will set the pace. You were scared and challenged at the same time. In your mind,  I  knew you were thinking, you just have to get everything right and you did.

In the V-line activity, you were having a harder time. You were exhausted. You were confident that your buddy is great, only you didn’t know if your buddy is fit-great for you. You were near-giving up. You were whining on your way up. You were already shaking and had the balayers not cheered for you that you were very close to the finish line, you would have given up. Add to the fact that you saw your partner was really eager to finish it and you were pressured he would have blamed it to you if you didn’t finish the challenge. And you did it again! In the end, you were really very thankful to the belayers. You really should. You really owed it to them.

In the Team Wall, you were there to discuss how to strategize the last people to cross the wall. You were surprised though that they chose you to be part of the last two, the critical ones. You literally carried guys up. You were anxious the whole time because you were in a make-or-break point. And your team did it! You were near tears seeing that even for a fleeting moment there, the officers were moving towards a common goal.

So why are you so exhausted all of a sudden? Last night I saw you were discussing something with your boss. I heard it was about the long overdue Performance Objectives. You were overwhelmed. You felt you are being stretched and he claimed he is stretching you. That’s just his way of mentoring. You don’t have a problem with that because you are learning a lot along the way but them you have lots of anxieties and insecurities I myself don’t understand.

You were very honest to your boss to say that what your feelings towards your buddy is exactly what you feel towards him. You felt stretched but in the end you were thankful that he pushed you to your limit because if not, you wouldn’t know how far you can conquer.

Perhaps, knowing the Emcee who thinks there are signs everywhere, when you volunteered to go first in the Pole Jump, it instinctively told you your status when you got your current role. You were the first in the group to have that. Everything is brand new for you and even to the people around you. Meaning too that you will set the pace. You will set the standards.

Emcee I know you are tired. I know you are clueless at times. I know can get really frustrated to the point of crying. You miss your happy-go-lucky life when you have the luxury of having surprise meet-ups with friends, you miss the perky MBA spirit where it’s just an extension of college. You were always excited togo to UP, not missing a class, or perhaps missing them because you were just too lazy to prepare and not because you have a million other things to do. On top of it all I know you miss your family when Batangas seemed just like a Makati away from Ortigas. But please keep in mind to stay put. You are doing good. Perhaps not good enough based on your standards of excellent but pretty good. You’re not quite sure what will make you happy but honestly, does anyone really know what will make him happy? The taste of dissatisfaction is good because it shakens your complacency but sometimes you need to give yourself a break. You are not superwoman. Count your blessings! I know gratitude is your virtue but relearn it again.

Give yourself a break. You may be missing a lot from your old life. I, too, am missing a lot from the Emcee I know.

Yours, Diary