to smoke or not to smoke

Today is the day I’m supposed to quit smoking. My last break with Marilyn and Martha yesterday was supposed to be the last. But this morning before I went to sleep I had a few puffs from Mica’s because, what the heck, I want to have a last yosi session with my yosi buddy.. ha ha ha.. Then again, I had dinner with college friends Beng, Con, Marisse, Maui and Steve and I ate so much the next thing I know I’m lighting my this-is-my-last-na-talaga stick. So there! I hope that really was my last stick.

Anyway, I really think that anytime I want to quit smoking I really can. Seriously! It’s just that part of me doesn’t really want to quit because smoking is a big part of my social life. Most of my friends smoke. Most of my “sessions” with close friends were over packs of cigarettes.. It’s really that! It’s like when I quit smoking I am betraying some sort of contract of loyalty… Ha ha ha.. talagang yun yung explanation ko para ma-defend ang pagyoyosi ko.

When I was in college, my efforts to quit smoking always heightened at the start of the month. I want my smoke-quitting to be significant. I want to say sometime in the future, like when I become a speaker for a smoke-free-country-advocates’ conference something to this effect: ”I remember it very clearly. It was the start of {insert month and year here} when I decided to quit smoking once and for all”.

Anyway, eventually, there came a time that my friends no longer believe that I can quit smoking. Sa 10 beses ko sinabi na magqquit ako, 11 times di natuloy. Grabe naman! OOOO-EEEEY! haha. But then again, there was the whole month of February 2004 (that’s what I mean that dates are significant) that I did not smoke at all as a panata so I can graduate on time. Sadly though, On March 1, I was back to my old habit. Tsk tsk. Backtrack to Paragraph 2 for reasons.

So here I am again in my umpteenth effort. Why again?! Wala lang.1) I guess I had too much smoking the last time I went to LB so the urge to smoke this week wasn’t that high. 2) It’s already Lenten Season and I want to have a really big sacrifice. 3) This is yet another panata for something. 4) I want my next (assuming there is) yosi session when I start crying in hagulhul mode. I would need a nicotine fix to ease my feeling by then so it practically is more of a necessity. (hehe.. Defensive!) I want to challenge myself to be in touch of my emtional side. I barely cry (tulo luha factor talaga with hikbi ang gusto ko) though I always feel like crying. I just want to have that self-liberating experience of crying like a lost child.

Why not the start of the month? It may not be the start of the month but it is still significant because 1) It’s 222 or triple 2 for Feb 22.. haha. 2) It’s practically the start of the Chinese New Year so I guess this is my Chinese New Year’s Resolution. This year is significant because I am born in the year of the Pig.  

So sometime in the future, you can expect me saying, “It was the start of the Chinese New Year 2007: Year of the Fire Pig …” Shala shala di ba?!