shuffle

February 26, 2010

I just feel like writing my heart out. I don’t where to start so I put my player on shuffle mode.

Look After You. The Fray. One of those tearjerker songs. The message isn’t really sad but there is something about the rhythm that moves you. Rhythm! Maybe biorhythm can explain why I feel so sad this week. 

Afraid for Love to Fade.  Lea Salonga. Gawd! I wanna be inspired. It has been a long time since I had that swooning, crazy, lovey feeling. Maybe that explains why I’m bored. Day in, day out, I feel like I’m just part of the statistics. 

You and Me.  Life house. Haaay! I’ll stop this. This is the borderline of my being pathetic.

***

I wanna be anywhere else but where I am. I need company. Silence company. I just want someone to be there and accompany me as I cry without explanation. 

Last song to ponder on. Next: With a Smile. Eraserheads. Haay! I hope I’ll get by with a smile. I hope although it sounds funny, somebody will say it anyway.  Can you never be really too happy in this life? 

home

February 11, 2010

I went to school earlier and saw the Fair. I suddenly got excited. Instead of me feeling old, I felt young. I suddenly remembered the times I was in LB. Why did I stop missing LB? Was it because of QLC? Was it because of that discovery? Was it because of separation issues with friends who remind me of my best times in LB? 

LB used to be my heaven on earth. I said, if indeed your heaven will be your best place on earth, I think when I die, I’d be at Los Banos. But in recent years I just remember the bad times. I’ve forgotten about the oh-so-good times. Shame on me! I feel sorry, really sorry, to my best friends I met at the school that I let the bad time overpower the good ones.

Here are the things I miss: Walkathon therapy sessions * Lunchdates at Indios na laging late ang mga kasama ko * Moccachino / IC’s Frap or just plain 3-in-1 coffee sessions with friends * Uber-high tolerance for alcohol * Gotohan after inuman * St Therese Chapel * Cramming * self-declared holidays * surprise birthday parties * Chismisan hanggang Umaga yet too lazy to attend 7am classes * Amuyongs * H6 * Palaisdaan * Body Mtngs *  GAs  *Household meetings * CSC Sessions * Frat-Soro joint activities * Love Notes * DLS Logbook *Thursday gimiks * Chikahan challenge * Thesis kwitis * Klepto days * TAMBAYAN! * CrayonBox * My fave Ilag’s yosi spot * CEMplangan * Sugal small time * FEBFAIR! * fortuitious events (haha) * college crushes * prof crushes * moments

UPLB used to be home. Home used to be a place. Now home is all the best people I met through UPLB! 

what are the odds?

February 8, 2010

I just can’t believe I let myself lose 3k on one casino night! I spent 8k on retail therapy the other day just because I think I needed to do it because I missed 2010 compre. Gawd! Gusto ko lang sabihin dito kasi ayoko maging TMI sa facebook! Haay! I should reconsider my spending habits! Haay! Nakaka-depressed! I need another retail therapy tomorrow! : (

Focus on the goal, Emcee!

my way of thanking

February 7, 2010

No matter how serious life gets, you will constantly need the company of people whom you can completely be stupid with.

Random fleeting moments of happiness are priceless. These are the impulsive, spontaneous, mischievous, crazy experiences that aren’t that much big-a-deal for others when shared but are the moments you want to capture - take a mental picture/video - and put in your bottle of happy pills. Moments that when reminisced few years down the road will give you natural high no amount of antidepressant pills can replace.

This is my ode to my 2 greatest friends in ‘this’ time of my life - so let me count the few ways I feel so blessed:

1. For the long sessions as if we’ll never see again that soon. 

2. For the endless conversation topics we never seem to run out: the things we agree on, the things we agree to disagree on, and even the shutting off of things we know we’d never agree to disagree on.

3. For the laughters that will make hyenas pale in comparison.

4. For the (invisible) tears that will make us want to double the dosage of laughters right after. Indeed, shared joy is doubled joy. Shared sorrow is half-sorrow.

5. For not just mere sharing dreams, plans and pursuits but also helping me achieve them.

6. For the therapeutic discussions no amount of Spa/Stressball/Stresstabs (haha) can compensate.

7. For the countless art of doing nothing days that will make preschooler kids look more matured than us.

8. For teaching me humility and pride at the same time.

9. For being my constant sounding boards! (Ang hirap kaya maging sounding board ni Emcee)

10. For giving me 101 reasons to go back there even if I only have 1 painful reason not to.

11.  For not merely knowing me but understanding me although I can be a very difficult to understand at time to the point of being a pain in the neck.

12. For being the 2 people I know I’d meet in heaven (Mitch Albom’s concept)

 

I can go on and on but I don’t want to be too much of a Drama Queen.

Mica, I can’t thank you enough. Thanks for being there ALL these years. I know we can make things happen (and I’ve already consulted the Magic8Ball and it confirmed). Good to know we’ve grown up/old together and we will continue to. I’m pretty sure we can finish the 30 Things ‘MC and Mica will do together’ sooner that we expect and before we know it there will be 30 more. Well in fact, we’ve only realized the Choose Your Own Adventure Day after the M8B purchase. haha! I’m super excited! May our Dreamboards come to life! Altiora Peto. Brah, thanks thanks for always sticking around. Good to know we’ve grown young together. Ego boost! You know I’ll do what I can for the Kalabaw Code to materialize. Extra thanks for not just stopping at understanding but also analyzing me (although you can leave the explaining to me). Live relaxed!

argggh!

January 21, 2010

Yesterday, I could not believe how one call could change my 2010 Outlook. As I checked my mails when I arrived in the office, no less than 20 mails apart, I got approvals for my 5-day leave for compre review which I filed the previous week, and an email from one of the staffs of our college saying I should call her ASAP. Ironic! I was dumbfounded and speechless for a while when she said I couldn’t take the compre because a new direction from the Program Director. Actually I didn’t know it was a new direction. Last year, all along, I thought I really couldn’t take the exam until they told me I could as long as I complete the core subjects, which I did, before the exam season. So I thought, all these perfectly fitted my plan. September 2010 and I’m done! All my hopes are there, then, after I’ve anticipated what could have been on Feb 27 and the weekends after, after I’ve come to terms with my MIA policy, after I’ve started studying, after my no alcohol policy until the big days, after all those anxiety and anticipation and everything in between (seriously, this has been my default thought lately), the rule that I should be completing all my subjects this term the latest come into the picture. Are you kidding me?! It’s my number 1 to-do list in my 2010 plan for crying out loud. I still had, small but it was there, hopes that I could talk to the director today but I read this morning a memo about it. So, this after all is a non-negotiable rule. I had to skip my first class but was out of the office early enough to attend the second one. Before, I would have declared a no-UP-day already because it was too much of a hassle to travel back-and-forth for two hours for a 1.5 hr class but I decided to go to school anyway since I have nothing planned for the rest of the day. I still have that tiny but detectable amount of hope that maybe, just maybe, they can postpone the implementation of the direction since it makes sense to apply it to the next batches since the rules that should be applied to our batch are the rules that were established when we first came on-board with the program. But of course that won’t be the case. So it’s final. Compre time for me is 2011!

JL said, life is what happens while you’re busy making plans. I couldn’t help but ponder and muse when I came across this line from Jim Paredes’ column I read yesterday: We must be willing to get rid of the life we’ve planned, so as to have a life waiting for us. How cosmic! Have I planned too much? Have I let my life revolve around the 2010 Isidro Plan lately? Was I wrong to anticipate? My friends tell me to let go and just believe that God has better plans. Honestly, I trust and hope that there is. That someday I can connect the dots and understand but right now, all I want to do is pause and wallow in depression and self-pity. I cannot help it. I look back at the terms I have gone underload. I cannot help but hate myself. Entirely my fault!

Now I have so much time in my hands but there is no other thing I want to do but to be busy with compre review. I was not even concerned about office deliverables when in fact this week is the busiest we have anticipated for this quarter. I wished I was never told I could take the compre! I wish I could get off my mind from compre tomorrow: ANYTHING BUT COMPRE! Argggh!

In the expressionless look I had going to school, I was thoughtless -as in blank stare into nothingness. For the first time after a long time I was just observing people. How young the students are. How pseudo-childish-couples act. How tired people are after a day’s work. How two reunited friends seem to not run out of stories. I wonder how they have perceived me. I wonder how frustrated-compre-examinees look like! Arggh!